July 11, 2006 -- It's Time

Life and death often make you wonder, to ponder what's really important. A friend died last month, and from the viewpoint of his friends, he wasn't all that close to his family. Since his death though, we have all met his family and they are really wonderful people and they speak of him with great affection. Did he not seek to spend more time with them because he was not officially "out" to them, and didn't want to be someone he wasn't? If that's the case, then it is very sad.

I'm not "officially out" either. Not to everyone. To a select small group of family I am. To all of my friends I am. Why is there always this fear of being who we are? Being gay is not all that I am. I am Jim and I happen to be gay. I don't want people to feel sorry for me for that, or take pity on me.

I have always been of the belief that my sexual orientation is no one's business but my own and that there is no need for my stating as such, unless directly asked. However, I am beginning to feel that I am being dishonest to myself by not being me in all circumstances.

I have great family on both sides. Some are so unbelievably right-wing Christian, some holier than thou Catholic, some are very happy go lucky, and still more I cannot read for their reaction. Interestingly enough too, are those family members who are among the most bigoted and racist people I've known, yet boast about their closeness to God and Jesus.

I want my friends to know my family and vice versa. In the past I have attempted to choose friends to introduce to my family who wouldn't make it obvious they, and I, were gay. Enough of this crap though. So if certain relatives have a problem, or take issue with me, so be it. Too bad for them.

Now I just need to do it.